A03 Here I Come: Breaking A Cycle
I am a writer with a dirty secret: I don’t actually write.
I mean, I do write. I nano every year. I write this blog, I journal a couple times a month, and I have tubs full of notebooks that are brimming over with ideas scribbled in the margins. So yes, I physically write. And I think about writing constantly, but in terms of sitting down and writing something just to write it, to get it out of my head, to tell a story… it hasn’t happened for a long time.
I used to write a lot of fanfiction, across several genres. It’s nice playing in someone else’s sandbox sometimes. Sometimes, as a storyteller, you want to explore moments that don’t get the attention you think it deserves. Or any attention, depending on the moment. I was never internetfamous for any of my fanworks, but I got feedback and was able to improve. I was happy, telling the stories I thought needed telling, and I had an audience. It was basically what I wanted for my real life, except that I’d be getting paid. Then when I was in college to get a degree in just that, I stopped writing fanfiction, and nearly stopped writing altogether.
It started with a snippet of Jasper Fforde’s FAQ:
“My thoughts on Fan Fiction are pretty much this: That it seems strange to want to copy or ‘augment’ someone else’s work when you could expend just as much energy and have a lot more fun making up your own.”
Suddenly, I was thrust into uncertainty and doubt. It wasn’t hard, since I have a voice in the back of my head that constantly tells me everything I do is crap anyway. But here was a published author I respected totally destroying my writing foundation. Why was I wasting all this time writing about other people’s superior characters and worlds when I could be putting work into my own? Why should I ever waste one moment on it ever again, obviously fanfiction would get me nowhere. Between Fforde’s FAQpunch and my increasingly dissatisfying college experience, my writing trickled to a halt. The only writing I did was for school.
This went on for years. My relationship to writing had become so dysfunctional that I plunged into a seriously unhealthy cycle of feeling guilty for not writing, attempting to write only to be convinced everything was bad, to wait for inspiration, to find inspiration, attempt to write, fail to write, then feel guilty for not writing. Lately, I’ve been trying to break the cycle by telling myself over and over that I don’t have to be perfect. Yes, I still have a desire to write and to make a living from writing. My skills have atrophied during my estrangement, and they must be built up again. But I must allow myself to make stupid mistakes and write Anne Lamott’s shitty first drafts.
I’m proud to announce I’ve been writing again. In attempt to break the toxic cycle that’s squeeze the joy from my writing, I’ve gone back to my fanfiction roots. After deliberating for two days, I actually published it on AO3 and, less than 24 hours later, I have over 20 kudos and three comments. I don’t say that to brag (because that would be a pretty pathetic brag), I say that to remind myself that recovery is a long process. Is what I wrote my best work? Probably not. But it’s something I put myself into, and something I talked myself into being brave enough to put out for possible ridicule. The fact that people are responding positively to it isn’t a reflection on me or my worth, but it’s certainly helping me progress.
Of course, this course of action could also be very dangerous for me. I’ve never edited my fanfiction extensively, and I’m a pretty firm believer in editing where some of the best writing takes place. The fact I can write something today and post it immediately to a built-in audience could cause me to get lazy in my writing. But right now, I’m simply focusing on not being perfect. Irrelephants isn’t perfect. As a blog, it’s not even good yet. But after years of plotting for perfection that wasn’t going to come, imperfect practice is what I’ll take.
Two quick notes! I do have to say unlike some other authors I could mention, Fforde has expanded his view of fanfiction, acknowledging it to be a celebration rather than infringement. I don’t want anyone hating one of my favorite authors.
And two? Thanks to everyone who read my story and gave me feedback. It’s what I needed right now. I’ve practically been juggling scorpions!
If you love a bk, write a nice review. Encourages author on days they want to take up scorpion petting. @LianaBrooks pic.twitter.com/9JhuAU0yDz
— Debbie Ridpath Ohi (@inkyelbows) February 25, 2016