Depressing Milestones
I know a lot of people view birthdays and getting older as this inherently depressing thing. The unasked for sympathy I got last year when I turned 30 was kind of unreal. People were surprised I felt no shame over the big three-oh, or else thought I was vaguely delusional and still hanging to the vestiges of my youth. No, as anonymous once so aptly put it: growing older is a privilege denied to many, and I refuse to feel bad about my age.
No, it is of another milestone I write of today: anniversaries. Specifically, working anniversaries. Today marks the beginning of my 10th year at my current job.
I don’t like my job, and I’ve made no secret of this. Actually, the job in and of itself isn’t bad, but the corporation I work for is terrible, and they corrupt even the most stalwartly kind, good-hearted, hard-working people. Each work day is the emotional equivalent of banging my head into a brick wall, and for the pleasure of taking abuse with a smile (be if from a customer, coworker, or manager), I get paid about a dollar more than someone who’s been with the company for six months. The fact that, as soon as I walk through those doors tomorrow morning, I will be starting my tenth year at my “get me through school” job, is one of the most depressing milestones I can think of.
I’ve been out of university for six years now. For the first five years, I was so busy drowning in student loans and resume rejections, my only thought was to keep my head above the tide. At the five year mark, thanks to some lucky breaks and the help of some very generous family members, the student loan tsunami turned. I’ve still got loads of debt, but there’s been enough cleared away as to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve had a change to breathe in the last year, and to ponder where my life is going, and where I want it to go.
I am unhappy with my current employment, but unfortunately, despite sucking the life out of my last decade, my job hasn’t given me many marketable skills. My job hunt is wide open (literally, the only requirements I look for in a job is that it must be full time, and it must offer health benefits, since I’ll be punished monetarily for not having them), and there is still nothing on the horizon. I’m not even so foolish as to only look and apply for jobs I actually want, but anything that pays better than what I’m doing now.
Why such low standards, you ask? (And believe me, people ask!) Because the kick of it all is, even once I’ve paid off all my loans (which should be about another five years), I still can’t afford to live the kind of life I want. How extravagantly do I wish to live? My outrageous goals are living in a safe area in a place of my own, making enough money to pay my bills and to be able to save some money for an emergency. That’s…. that’s about it.
My life has to change. I’ve been trying, but it isn’t enough. And today’s anniversary has put my life into harsh perspective.
