Where in the world is Cwellan Sorg?

It’s been 205 days since I’ve last blogged. So very much has been squeezed into those seven months. The tectonic plates of my existence never stop shaking, and as a result, my priorities have done a lot of shifting.

Just before my unplanned interlude, I discovered my mother had stage 3 breast cancer. Her treatment consumed our family. My mother is one of the strongest women I have ever known, and has dealt with her illness with a grace that is nothing short of amazing. Her journey has not been smooth but she has fought well. She continues to be amazing, and is doing well.

My mother’s illness stirred up a lot of murkiness inside me. To be fair, I’d been disturbing the mud for a bit now but that business brought it to a head. The time not spent caring for my mother was spent attempting to care for myself, specifically my mental health. I, like my mother, am doing much better now. There’s still much road to be traveled, but we’re better provisioned to continue.

I realize now that part of the reason my mental health is suffering is because my physical health is suffering. My disease is something that takes up so much of my life, my concentration. It has taken up permanent residence in my brain and refuses to pay rent.  While tomorrow is never guaranteed for anyone, my diagnosis ramped up my anxiety, which was only blunted by depression’s numbness. The result? I felt like I needed to do ALL THE THINGS right now, but I didn’t have the energy or drive to do any of it. Even something as “simple” as writing a blog entry.

Yesterday I came across Scott Riddle’s reaction to facing his mortality at 35 and it hit me like the Knight Bus. Our stories are nothing alike and yet the panic and weirdness he describes resonates. His words strengthened me in a way I hadn’t anticipated. For the first time in a long time, I felt motivated.

This blog has languished in part because it had no unifying theme. I have many interests and many talents, but none so great to justify a niche in that area. After reading Riddle’s article, I realized, I am my own theme. And that’s okay.

It’s been a long dark winter in my life, but today, the sun is shining.