Good will and good deeds

Christmas, to quote Billy Mack, is all around us.

Let me preface this entry simply by saying I don’t believe that you have to wait until Christmas time to do all your good deeds. Good will toward people should be a year-round thing. But like every Christmas movie ever made will tell you, there’s something special about Christmas time. Maybe it’s all the twinkle lights everyone and their brother is stringing around, the cheap booze gift sets, or the massive amounts of cinnamon being pumped into the air duct of any given retailer, but there’s something warm and fuzzy about this time of year. It seems to break even the most crusty curmudgeons out of their shells to brighten someone else’s day.

That being said, I’m not a people person. I’ve worked in customer service for over ten years, and I’m good at it. I can handle people efficiently, I can make small talk, and I can generate conversation with just about anyone. I just don’t like it. I don’t hate people, even in my most misanthropic moments. I just don’t like being around people. I’m awkward, uncomfortable, and socializing takes all my spoons for that day, and the day after. So when I say I usually talk my lunch outside to be away from people, I’m not trying to imply I hate my coworkers (although some I could happily live without), I just like recharging my batteries on my own, peacefully and bathed in sunshine.

Yesterday at lunch, I was sitting on a bench outside my place of employment, puzzling over a cryptogram and trying to ignore the Salvation Army bells ringing discordantly at both ends of the store. I’m used to customers walking by and some of the more extroverted ones insist on exchanging pleasantries because, bless their hearts, they don’t seem to realize I’m hiding behind these massive dead bushes in the hopes that no one will notice me. Usually a hello and a Merry Christmas does the trick. Yesterday, a woman stopped right next to me, set down her bags, and started digging in her purse.

“Merry Christmas. Are you on lunch?”

I looked  up from my book startled, trying desperately to remember if I know this woman. Did she go to my church? Is she one of my friend’s friends that I met once in passing? I came up empty. I smiled and nodded, and said something vaguely about the nice weather. The woman brought out her wallet and started handing me bills, ones and tens. “I used to work for [my current employer]. The pay is crap. We’re outside. No one has to know.”

I’m not a quick, on your feet thinker. I’m a ruminator. I think of the best comeback three days later as I’m lying in bed trying to sleep. I’m also not good when I’m surprised. I told her thank you, but I’m doing okay. I have a roof (well it needs to be repaired but it’s not currentlly leaking so I’m chalking it up to a win), I have clothes, I have food. I didn’t tell her that we’re still on camera (my employer has cameras nearly everywhere, including the parking lot) and that I could get fired for accepting the money. She tried to give me the money again, and I tried to be nice but assertive. I told her that, if she gave me the money, I would put it in the Salvation Army buckets.

“But I already gave them money. I’ll buy your lunch. I know you don’t get paid much.”

I think I made her angry by refusing her money. I told her that she was a good person trying to do good things. I appreciated the thought because, no, I don’t get paid well. I have to live with other people because I can’t afford my student debt, my medical debt, AND living expenses all on my own. But when it comes right down to it, taking her money would have made me feel guilty. I have so much to be thankful for, including the fact I have a full time job at all, and I personally know and know of people who don’t. A free lunch is nice, but what about the people I knew who would be going without dinner so they could feed their kids?

We ended up parting amicably, I think. I hope. We agreed it was the season of good will and good deeds. I thanked her again and wished her a Merry Christmas. I hope she continues to do good things this season, so that her kindness might inspire others to pay it forward, or choose joy, or whichever mantra a person uses to keep going on.

And I leave you with a Christmas song that never fails to make me smile. The video is fanmade with some truly spectacular pictures of Bill Nighy as Billy Mack. Seriously, you won’t be disappointed.