Fat Women Do Stuff: The Blacklight Slide

I have to start this entry off with a bit of a disclaimer, since I keep meaning to write a master reference post about my thoughts on healthism, fatphobia, and junk like that, but obviously haven’t. I use the word “fat” unironically and unashamedly. To me, fat is no more a dirty word than any other adjective. It isn’t inherently bad or good, it just is what it is. When I say I’m fat, most people say something like, “Aw naw, you’re beautiful,” ignoring the fact a person can be fat and beautiful. People protest when fat is used as a neutral descriptor, but as Ragen Chastain pointed out, no one will protest you calling yourself a brunette.  And let me tell you, I’m fat. Really fat. Fat enough that you can tell, even when I’m wearing black, or anything with a “flattering” sales label.

All this is to say that when I refer to myself, or others, as fat, it’s just a description. In fact, in reclaiming the word, I feel like it helps fight the stereotype so often put in the public’s eye. You know, that fat people are awkward, useless shutins that stay home and do nothing but watch Netflix while eating ice cream and gravy on the couch.

Well, this weekend this fat woman went to the Blacklight Slide.

This was a mental challenge for me for two reasons. One, I have a sordid history with activities involving intertubes. In fact, the last tubing activity landed me with a concussion and $2k+ in chiropractic bills. Two, I have an equally twisted history with my body, specifically my fat body in an unforgiving public setting. Complicating matters was that I finally decided to take the plunge and buy a bikini. (This decision was more practical than radical, as I needed a suit I could get into myself, and plus size swimsuits meant for actual activity and not just sitting poolside are akin to medieval torture devices that require the help of eight handmaidens to properly strap in.)

The promotional materials kind of make the Blacklight Slide look like the hip, clubbing version of Slide the City, which is what drew us to this even since STC isn’t coming near us this year, but don’t let that fool you. The Blacklight Slide is an actual slide: eight actual slides to be accurate.

Video of the last ride, starring my lovely large legs and my brother’s hand:

Highlights:

• The price was right: $20 for unlimited slides. (To put this in perspective, the last time I did SLC, tickets were like $50.)
• Registration was quick and painless. This is not usually the case, but they were very well organized and things went swiftly.
• Eight slides! There were so many people the line was substantial, but the staff was really good about keeping people moving.
• Shoes were optional and that was nice. They also allowed riders to wear small, drawstring backpacks, so we were able to stow our flip flops and personal items during the ride.

Lowlights:

• The entire slide is inflatable, including the bit you climb up on. They have plastic slats which help, but the uphill climb made me feel like I should’ve been singing shanties in a hurricane offshore.
• The event was supposed to start at 6:30p.m., which is a little weird considering the sun doesn’t start setting until 8ish, so there was nothing glowing.
• The website said there would be strict restrictions on tubes, that only tubes 36” or smaller would be allowed. As my tubes are 48”, I had to scrabble to buy a new one I didn’t want or need. When I got there, I saw people sliding with my exact tube. Little disappointed, especially since 36” barely covers my booty. Also, 36” tubes are generally for kids, so the weight limit’s like 130lbs.
• My white shirt has no neon stains on it. This makes me a sad panda.

This isn’t a highlight or a lowlight, but I thought it deserved a mention. With your ticket you got a free towel. This towel:

It gave us fifteen solid minutes of entertainment. I don’t know exactly what I was anticipating, but it wasn’t this.

Overall grade: B+. The price was good and it was an enjoyable way to spend a Saturday night, but I’m still hella disappointed about all the not glowing.