Dear S.L.

It’s been over a decade since you drew breath, and that’s a weird thought. Sometimes it feels like you’ve only just left, but most often I can feel the distance.

You were omnipresent in my life, and even after you were gone, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Most of the time, remembering you hurt. A jagged hole in my heart, another tear in the tapestry of my soul. I remember the guilt, the anger, the desperation, the bargaining. I remember it all. These days I prefer to remember holding you, but back then I was just mired in grief. 

I didn’t know for a long time that I was depressed. I think you were a big part of my descent. The end of a certain type of innocence I didn’t even know I still had.  In a way the irony is kind of lovely;  your sister is playing a big part in pulling me up. Glen Phillips was right, sometimes life is a palindrome. 

These days my thoughts of you are less frequent. My memories have faded a little, but so has the sadness. I still burn with anger when I remember how you fell through the cracks, how we entrusted you with the wrong people. You deserved better. 

I remember making that video of you. It was grainy and horrible in a way that only an early ’00s webcam could film. Predating YouTube, there is no record of this video online. Hell, back then we were still using dial-up, so uploading a clip, especially one as badly compressed as that, was impossible. That was a laptop, three smartphones, and six desktops ago, so it probably doesn’t exist anymore. I wish it did.

Please know that I’m so very sorry. I got so many things wrong, and being young and dumb was no excuse. You suffered at my hand, my unintentional cruelty, and I am so, so sorry. 

I love you. I miss you.